Amid another season of watching San Francisco 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh scream at opposing players, his own players, referees, coaches, reporters, fans, himself, and probably God, came the suggestion that this fiery coach, who currently makes $5 million per year setting his 53 athletic chess pieces against those of another aged man, wore $8 pleated khakis from Walmart.
The fact was eventually confirmed last week by Harbaugh’s wife, Sarah, who claimed that she had even thrown out the lot of them while Jim was away at the NFL Combine, only to watch the coach replenish his stock of said favorite pants for the cost of a family dinner at Applebee’s.
“I will not take blame for his outfits,” Sarah firmly stated on San Francisco’s 99.7, admitting that her issue was more about pleats being “gone” (though the cyclical nature of fashion suggests pleats are actually on the way back thanks to the fall/winter 2014 collections of Marc Jacobs and Carven, but we digress), and about how the large pants hid the flattering figure of the retired veteran quarterback. So in a rare show of grace, Harbaugh relented, arriving at last Wednesday’s press conference in $23 flat fronts.
“Problem solved there,” Harbaugh, clad also in his standard black shirt and hat, joked with reporters. “The Levi’s or the Nike and the Dickie makes a flat khaki. So ‘happy wife, happy life.’”
Or so he claimed. Though there were fewer than normal, the pleats reared back Sunday as his 49ers fell to the rival Seattle Seahawks in the NFC Championship game. We’re not necessarily blaming the pants for that, but now, without a Super Bowl to prepare for, the coach will have all offseason to figure out a way back to the big game and finally look fashionable doing so.
Enter Bonobos, an Esquire favorite who wants to help out. The men’s designer, housed in New York but founded at Stanford in 2007 while Harbaugh was then the University’s passionate coach, wants to give back to the man who turned their favorite college program around. They’ve offered to exchange his current wares, in which they suggest he could and might be hiding rabid squirrels, for ten pairs of their “better-fitting” chinos, and sweetened the deal by also offering $10,000 to the charity of his choice.
So for the good or your marriage, the team, this news cycle, and whichever kids or puppies will be helped out by the donation, we suggest you take the deal. Then, when the next reporter asks why you were uncontrollably kicking and screaming on the sidelines, you can just say it was about how much you love your pants.